my secret life on mack avenue

It's getting better, maaaaan!

2010-01-17T19:11:00.001-05:00

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So yeah, I've decided to get the band, er, blog back together.

It's been almost two years...so much has gone on, yet so little has really changed. Through the magic of email, I'll be able to keep the updates (and the snark) coming.

Let's test this out and see if it worked...

The Grand Return...

2010-01-16T09:57:00.001-05:00

...it's been way too long.

Details coming...

OMG, an update!!!!

2008-08-11T19:39:00.002-04:00

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I cannot believe I haven't updated this thing in over a month. In my defense, I've been busy--namely working 2 jobs and oh, also studying for my boards which, I may add, are still in limbo.

Ah well, I'm not bitter, mainly because I AM EATING PEEPS. Yup, H-bomb (my dealer) supplied me with a couple of boxes of Peeps when I saw her a few weeks ago. I was waiting to eat the damn things in celebration of my board-passing, but since the EFFING BOARD WON'T BOTHER PROCESSING MY RESULTS SINCE THEY ARE WAY TOO BUSY DOING WAY MORE IMPORTANT THINGS, I found it high time to crack into the Peeps.

I have so much to blog about, however the sugar is rapidly going to my brain and I'm woozy now. I guess my brilliance will have to wait until tomorrow...

He's just not that into you

2008-06-23T23:15:00.005-04:00

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As if my day wasn't terrible enough, I got home to find out they're making the story of my life into a film. See:

Actually for those not in the know (men, women that aren't socially awkward) He's Just Not That Into You is a book--a dating advice type of book. I never bothered to read it, because really, why bother? The title pretty much says it all.

As it turns out, it's pointless to read the book since it's similar to a load of other ridiculous books (ala the Rules) that instruct women how to "play the game" to ensure men will want them, blah blah blah, ie you're supposed to not call a guy if you're into him--let him call you, since it will make him want you more. Yeah right.

Personally, I think dating advice of this nature is ridiculous, which is why it's pointless to read the damn thing, but hey, what do I know? It's not like I'm coming ashore from a week's stay on the Love Boat.

So anyway, now the craptastic book is going to be a movie. I'm sure it will end with all the beautiful actresses finding really hot, smart, sensitive guys that pay attention to them and decide to marry them since they've learned to play the Game. Pardon me whilst I choke and opt to stay home and pick my nose instead.

This is pretty effing cool

2008-06-20T23:39:00.001-04:00

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Ice on Mars!

Yeah, what can I say. The solar system amazes me.

What a week...

2008-05-29T19:00:00.002-04:00

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It's been a very long and horrifying week.

Just to put it into perspective, the highlight of my week was the re-opening of the I-696 and 75 ramps. Yes, that was the highlight. Oh, well, I guess I did see the Goodyear Blimp on the way to the doctor's office today. I suppose that could be a highlight for someone.

It'd be really hard to pick the lowlight of the week. It could be the fact that I was ordered to get a mammogram. Yes, that is right, I'm not even 40 yet and I have to go get my boobs smashed by a cold, metal machine. Apparently the doctor thinks it's really important to get one baseline reading between 35 and 40, so off I go for the thrill of a lifetime.

Oh, and speaking of thrill of a lifetime, you'll love this short discussion I had with my mom: I was explaining to her that I had to go get a mammogram and here's how it went:

Me: so I have to go get a baseline reading

Mom: Already? You start those at forty I think

Me: Well the doctor said it's important to get one before then as a preventative measure for your breasts

Mom: It's just as well since no one is feeling them up

No, seriously, my mom actually said that to me. Of course I gave her a WTF look. I mean, sure, no one is feeling them up, but how the heck would she know that? So it's official. Even my mom realizes I'm a loser.

Hmmm, let's see, other than that I almost got into an accident Saturday with some jackass that was driving the wrong way down I696 on Saturday morning. True story. The guy was on the shoulder of the freeway, just barreling down 696 going the wrong way.

And the final story of the day: when I left my house this morning I noticed an odd looking pea-green van parked in my neighbor's driveway. Today as I was coming home the van was still there. Check it out, it's an effing ICE CREAM TRUCK. That's right, the sirens busting out goofy-ass music will be screaming throughout the 'hood this summer. I kid you not, I can hear that fucker screeching out "the Farmer In The Dell" right now. On the bright side, perhaps I'll get some free fudgicles or something.

I think I need to go bury my head in the sand now. Toodles.

A schlong by any other name...

2008-05-27T19:18:00.003-04:00

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A guy at work is cracking me up. The other day we were looking at some pictures another coworker took at a museum in Peru. Some of the pictures were of sculptures that were, uh, anatomically correct. About an hour later (after the pictures were put away) one of my coworkers was explaining the pictures to another person that just walked into the room:

Coworker: ...and they had pictures of a (starts to whisper and point downward) penis!

Random coworker: Why are you whispering?

Me: He doesn't want to say schlong out loud.

Coworker: Schlong? What's a schlong?

Me: (ignoring him)

C: What's a--what did you call that???

Me: Schlong? You seriously don't know what a schlong is?

C: No? What is it?

Me: (refusing to even discuss this insanity further)

C: What's a schlong? What's a schlong? (getting angry)

Me: Come on!

C: (turning to another person in the room) What's a schlong???

After he figured it out (perhaps someone told him) he started asking everyone that walked into the room what a schlong was, just to see if we were making up the word. Of course, everyone that he asked gave him a "WTF, dumbass" look.

Seriously. This actually happened.

Charles in charge...

2008-05-27T18:23:00.003-04:00

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Get a load of this guy. He's offering up 5 grand for a wife. Be sure to click the link, if for no other reason than to check out his picture. Besides the fact that he's claiming to be 39 (um, yeah, surrrre, I believe you!!!) check out the apparent toilet seat cover that is suspended from the ceiling.

At any rate, here's the way the whole deal works:

He's giving 400 bucks to the "lucky" lady that makes it through 4 dates. Then the "lucky" lady gets another $1,100 at the engagement, then the "lucky" lady receives the rest of the windfall ($3500) at the wedding.

The best part really is what he's looking for in a mate:

"She has to laugh, because I like to make things funny all the time. She has to love to travel. No grandmother or on the verge of becoming one. But she either wants kids or has them. I really want a family. She has to love restaurants and I have two dogs, so she has to like dogs," he said.

Charles, my dear desperate Charles, you are funny. You are effing hysterical. Unintentionally hysterical.

I can picture good ol' Charles trying to "make things funny all the time." This would be a fairly typical scenario:

Girl in it for the money: Oh Charles, tell me a joke!

Charles the Desperate Bachelor: Oh golly, m' lady, why certainly!

G: (leaning in closer to hear a gem)

C: Ask me if I'm a tree!

G: Are you a tree???

C: No!

At this point Charles goes into hysterics, impressed with himself and his humor, and begins to snort and laugh at the same time.

G: Um, I think I have to go now. (gets up and leaves)

C: (Incredulous) Wait! Wait! Where are you going?

But don't feel too bad for Charles--you know someone will take this guy up on his offer.

Note to self: stay away from Missouri

2008-05-22T19:42:00.003-04:00

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Really, I mean it. I'm staying out of Missouri. This story scares me:

Buy a car, get a free gun at Missouri car dealer

By Carey Gillam

KANSAS CITY, Missouri (Reuters) - A Missouri car dealer said on Thursday sales have soared at his auto and truck business since launching a promotion this week that promises buyers a free handgun or a $250 gas card with every purchase.

And wait, here's more from the article:

Every buyer so far "except one guy from Canada and one old guy" has elected to take the gun, Muller said. Muller recommends his customers select a Kel-Tec .380 pistol.

Seriously. What is this world coming to? Read the rest of the article here.

F-R-E-E that spells free, credit report.com baybee

2008-05-22T18:54:00.003-04:00

Is it wrong of me to want the freecreditreport.com guy?

And who knew the guy was French Canadian?

Oh, and how high does the guitar player in the commercials seem? It looks like he just toked up in every shot...

Flying tables, but no flying subs...

2008-05-21T19:45:00.006-04:00

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Really, it gets no better than this:

Two health care workers got into a bust up at the hospital yesterday. And it got physical. And it got violent. And yes, a table was thrown. The brawl culminated with one of the health care workers being taken to the emergency room.

Sadly enough, I did not witness the drama first hand, however I was sooooooooo close to seeing it because I almost did go to the scene of the crime, so to speak, for lunch.

Apparently two health care workers were in line at the sub shop and words were exchanged, and it had nothing to do about how the heck Jared was able to lose all the weight yet still look chunkster and poofy. At any rate, the point is, the words that were exchanged weren't all that, shall we say, friendly. Next thing you know, it was like Rocky beating down the Russian in Rocky IV or something. And then a chair and table flew. It was like being at a Pistons game, circa 2004.

I think we all can agree that while this brought great drama to the hospital, the one thing that could have made this whole ordeal better would have been flying subs*. Flying food trumps flying furniture any day of the week. Plus the trajectory is better too.

*of course, a flying schlong or schlong-helicopter would have even trumped food (see the post directly below this one in case you're confused)

Look out above!!!!

2008-05-20T19:41:00.004-04:00

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It's a flying schlong! Video from a press conference below:

And then there's this special apocalypse now version:

Like a bad rash that won't go away

2008-05-17T19:45:00.002-04:00

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Just when you thought it was safe to answer the phone when it rings...

You'll never guess who left a message on my landline voicemail today. It was none other than the phone sex guy.

Talk about a blast from the past.

The psychos. They love me.

Livin' the high life...

2008-05-14T16:42:00.002-04:00

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I went and gassed up the car today. I paid $3.95 a gallon. Holy crap, I may actually need to go to work soon! Ha, and not a moment too soon since the hospital types have been pestering me all week to do just that.

A few days ago I had to go get the first round of TB testing done, plus they took an ample sample of my fine blood. All I have to show for it now is a nifty bruise.

Yeah, so anyway, they're trying to get me to pin down a start date. Hmmm, I'll start when I get tired of waking up late and lounging around all day, how's that?

In the meantime I've been cleaning my house like a whirlwind. Today I found myself in the basement going through all sorts of crap. Wait until I get my scanner working, because some of the stuff I found was priceless! A "how to" manual on dating (signed by the author, Dr. Judy, who hosted a sex show on 89x back in the 90's), a manual on "MS-DOS" (no seriously, MS-effing DOS), a playlist from Homesick Night at Industry, a crazy fax from the world famous DJ Tom, a little blurb in the Detroit News about my old mid-day show from 1995, and tons more. Good times, bad times, I found it all...

Oh, and I got invited to a sex toy party, but it's being held on the same day as a station event, so I had to decline the invite. Perhaps someone will gift me a nice male blow up doll or something just because I'm so, well, you know, desperate, I mean, wonderful.

Toodles, I'm off to Mexicantown!

Writer's block

2008-05-09T20:15:00.002-04:00

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Yup, it's been a long time since I've blogged.

I was looking to move my blog elsewhere (off blogger) but it turns out some of the other blog sites won't allow you to disable comments, plus there were some other ugly features I wasn't thrilled about. At the end of the day, it looks like the blog will stay put.

Michael emailed to find out whether I'd be changing the name of my blog, you know, since I'm not technically on Mack anymore. As my BFF Bobby Brown* would say, hell to the no!!! The blog will retain the name I lovingly gave it over 2 years ago. But thanks for asking, Michael.

Other than that, I don't have anything good to bitch about today.

Don't worry. I promise I'm back to regular updates now. I've come to realize you need the updates...like strawberry jam needs a jar of peanut butter. Or how a frosty Diet Coke Big Gulp needs an appropriate ratio of ice, and a long-ass straw. Well, you get the idea. The updates are coming, I promise.

*Ummm, yeah, actually we're not BFF. But "My Prerogative" is a guilty pleasure. And that's almost like being BFFs, right?

Last day: overflowing with apathy

2008-04-29T18:32:00.005-04:00

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Yep, today was the last official day at the crappy college.

It's hard to figure out what was the most annoying part of the day. Perhaps it was taking all the "exit" surveys. Or maybe, it was the copious downtime between all the exit surveys. Then of course, there was the insane chatter--I overheard classmates bragging and attempting to impress each other in regards to their newly minted starting salaries and sign on bonuses. Klassy, my dearies, just klassy.

Then of course there were the fools that were talking about how they are "doctors" now. Um, no, you're not doctors, you're getting a professional degree which allows you to become licensed so that you are able to take orders from real doctors. But whatever.

Oh, and they splurged on lunch for the class. We all got turkey subs. Yep, even the vegetarians among us were subjected to the fowl subs. Fowl, get it? Turkey, fowl???? Never mind.

Well, at any rate, it's over. And not a moment too soon...

Eff the Applebaum

2008-04-28T19:59:00.003-04:00

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Well it ain't no use to sit and wonder why,
If you don't know by now
An' it ain't no use to sit and wonder why,
It don't matter, anyhow

When the rooster crows at the break of dawn
Look out your window and I'll be gone
You're the reason I'm trav'lin' on
But don't think twice, it's all right

Well I'm goin' down that long, lonesome road,
Where I'm bound, I can't tell
But goodbye's too good a word,
So I'll just say fare thee well

Well I ain't sayin' you treated me unkind
I coulda done better but I don't mind
You just kinda wasted my precious time
But don't think twice, it's all right

Lyrics to the song "Don't Think Twice" written by Bob Dylan & reinterpreted by Mike Ness

The Copa

2008-04-28T19:49:00.002-04:00

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Yup, I finally went to the Copa...
No, I didn't ride the ferris wheel. The damn line was ridiculously long...

You know me, nothing but style all the way...

It truly is hard to look this good. It takes quite a bit of effort...

50 grand gone to hell...

2008-04-28T19:46:00.003-04:00

...and I all have to show for it is a ravaged, tattered demeanor, and really bad hair.

Men, beware!!!

2008-04-23T18:16:00.002-04:00

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Forget about the Body Snatchers. This is too crazy to make up:

Penis theft panic hits city

Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men's penises after a wave of panic and attempted lynchings triggered by the alleged witchcraft.

Click here to read the rest of the story.

Updates

2008-04-22T20:06:00.002-04:00

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1. Yes, I know I haven't blogged in quite awhile.

2. Today is Wendy's birthday.

3. The last academic/scholarly article I've read was titled, "Rectal Salami." No, seriously, it was too called that! Here's the citation: Shah J, A Majed, et al. Rectal Salami Int Journal of Clin Pract 56 (7) 2002; 558-9

4. Yep, the above article is exactly what you think it's about.

5. "Pancakes" is a particularly good reply to use if you're in the hospital and some unassuming resident asks you if you know your name, know where you are, and what year it is. Just go ahead and reply "pancakes" to all of the questions posed.

6. They have a newly renovated cafeteria at the hospital. Today was the unveiling. Let me tell you straight up that it looks nice and new and shit. The engineer should get 5 points for good use of colors and space. Unfortunately, no one could figure out exactly how to get out of the cafeteria. The engineer should absolutely get negative 15 points for the dumb ass design.

7. I'm going to see the Tigers game on Saturday. I've never been to the Copa before, so who knows what I'm truly in for. I hope I can talk my friend into riding the baseball ferris wheel.

8. Yeah, that's about all I've got for now.

can't wait to recite the effing oath...

2008-04-10T20:17:00.001-04:00

Kurt brought joy, Kurt brought fun...

2008-04-10T20:13:00.002-04:00

Music mends broken hearts...

2008-04-10T20:06:00.001-04:00

My phone is currently ringing...

2008-04-10T19:26:00.002-04:00

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Yet, I refuse to turn down the Hall & Oates to answer the phone...

Ominous...

2008-04-10T19:18:00.003-04:00

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It's generally a bad sign if you come barging into the hospital with your foot in your hand. And when I say "foot in your hand" I mean, your foot somehow became unattached to your leg and you're carrying said foot in your hands. Bad times.

Accidentally on purpose

2008-04-10T19:09:00.003-04:00

Hell yeah, I most certainly did skip out on "picture day" at the college. Hey, there's plenty of trashy pictures of me online, so no big loss.

Space age...

2008-04-06T19:22:00.001-04:00

Now I just need some rockin' silver boots...

2008-04-06T19:21:00.001-04:00

Dearly beloved...

2008-03-30T16:39:00.003-04:00

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...we are gathered here today to mourn the passing...

Perhaps a closed casket funeral would have been more appropriate...

Third leg?

2008-03-28T18:50:00.006-04:00

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A man in central Ohio is accused of having sex with his picnic table.

Please click over to read the entire story.

Question of the day: did he take the table to dinner first???

Disturbing sight...

2008-03-26T20:11:00.003-04:00

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I saw the most disturbing toenail today. Yep, it was still attached to its owner, yet somehow the "proud" owner was oblivious to the situation. It was a killer toenail. The owner would most certainly enjoy a financial windfall should the decision be made to harvest toenails and sell them to the Army or something...

Um...never gonna...

2008-03-25T19:49:00.003-04:00

Roll out the barrel...

2008-03-25T18:00:00.006-04:00

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Today was a very special day for me at the hospital--I got to order some beer. No, it wasn't for me, it was for two patients. The fear was the patients were going to go into alcohol withdrawal. In my defense, I suggested using Librium and a banana bag, but the attending liked the beer option better. So did the patients. Shocker!

So yeah, I got to help order the beer from the pharmacy.

If you were wondering, it was Labatt's Blue long-necks.

Oh, and yes, I was told patients in the past have bitched about the brand of beer--they've even gone so far as to DEMAND a better brand.

Good times.

The return...

2008-03-23T17:42:00.002-04:00

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Yes, I know I haven't blogged in a while, not that you even noticed.

Anyway, here...I'm getting back in the game with this headline:

Police Bust Party In Man's Pants

Well, you'd think it would be a great depraved story considering the headline. But unfortunately, I was crestfallen after I took a look at the first line of the article:

A Sydney man has been caught with more than 800 ecstasy tablets stuffed down the front of his pants, police say.

What the hell? That's not the titillating, cranking-one-off story I was hoping for...

Customs search

2008-02-23T19:54:00.003-05:00

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Yet again, I got pulled in for a compliance check at Customs on my way home today.

For the unaware, when you get a NEXUS card (a card you pay $$$ for in order to cross Customs in the commuter lane) you agree to submit to random compliance checks when you cross. Each day the Customs computers randomly select vehicles to search. You could go your whole life without getting pulled in, or you could get pulled in countless numbers of times. Guess which category I fall in????

Lucky me, I got pulled in today.

Truthfully, the compliance checks aren't that bad. Essentially they just want to make sure you're not abusing the NEXUS lane by smuggling in crack, cigarettes, tasty gin, or the bird flu.

When the computer picks your car, you just have to pull into a secondary area of Customs, get out of the car, apologize to the nice Customs person that your car is full of snot-laden Kleenexes, then you go inside to Customs and wait until they search and clear your car. It's normally a quick situation and pretty much everyone at Customs has been very professional and, dare I say it, pleasant. No, it's true, they're actually pretty cool.

Today when I exited my car, I (as always) apologized to the Customs guy for the condition of my car. Yes, I've been sick for 3 weeks, so I wasn't lying about having to apologize for snot-laden Kleenexes in my car. Luckily, everyone at Customs has government-issued gloves. Hey, at least my taxes are going to something that can actually be put to good use. Hell, I wouldn't touch the shit in my car without gowning up and putting on an isolation mask.

After my car was cleared I got back into my car. I looked over at my work bag sitting on the passenger seat and it dawned on me that I had left some reading material lying on top of my bag--out in the open for all to see. See, the border gets really backed up on the weekends, so while I'm inching through the tunnel on my way home, I always try to pass the time by reading. Unfortunately, today I happened to be reading an article about cocaine use. (It was a pharmacy article! No, really it was!) Yet, somehow they still cleared my car...

Oh My!!!!

2008-02-23T19:51:00.004-05:00

I found this on one of the Fark forums. Good times.

My life is in the crapper...

2008-02-21T19:16:00.005-05:00

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My life has hit another new low.

Today as I was walking through the bowels of the hospital, I checked my phone. I noticed that I actually had a voice mail message! Whippie! Well, see, the thing is, no one really calls, so the fact that I had a message was wondrous.

At any rate, due to my poor cell signal, I decided to wait until I got outside to listen to the message. As I walked, I tried to guess who it might be. Knowing my exceptionally fast-paced social life, I knew it was either my boss, or someone trying to reach Angela.

Oh wait, I don't think I ever told you about the mysterious Angela...

Angela is a dumb cow. Apparently she decided to explore the fascinating possibilities of becoming a pharmacy tech. But like I said, Angela is a dumb cow, and here's why:

Any normal person who would want a job as a pharmacy tech would do this:

Aspiring pharmacy tech (busting into Walgreen, Rite Aid, CVS, etc.): Hey, can I get a job???

Pharmacist on duty: Um, let's see...do you have a pulse?

APT: A what?

POD: A pulse!!!!

APT: Huh?

POD: For fuck's sake, are you breathing?

APT: Uh, yeah...why???

POD: Never mind that. But, can you count by fives???

APT: Fives???

POD: Can you COUNT to the number five?

APT: Yes.

POD: You're hired!

But no, our dimwitted Angela didn't do the above. Instead, she called one of those goofy-ass "trade" schools to teach her how to count to fives, and more importantly, how to not pass out when you're on hold with Medicare.

Angela is even more stupid though, because she gave the trade school the wrong number. My number. And so, for the past few weeks, I've gotten all excited when my phone rings only to become crestfallen when it turns out to be for Angela. Beyotch!

Anyway, getting back to the original point...so I waited to listen to my message. No it wasn't my boss. No, it wasn't for me. No, it wasn't for Angela. It was for some other dumbass.

See, it just gets worse every day.

At least my pumpkin is still alive though...

Oh, and we had a free drug lunch today at the hospital that included brownies!

The nightmare returns...

2008-02-15T18:30:00.002-05:00

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I have not blogged about him in quite awhile.

You know him.

You love him.

He's...the Heathen.

I was innocently talking to the Heathen's owner the other night and the worst possible thing happened...he asked me if I could take care of the Heathen next week.

Oh no.

Last year when I was subjected to the Heathen almost killing me (you'll remember that he dug a shallow grave for me on the side of the house) I was not doing my clinical rotations. But fast-forward a year, and well, I'm busy. Really busy. Too busy to die, or be subjected to the fear of death.

The good news is that the Heathen's owner did give me an out. Another friend lives nearby the house and may be willing to take on the task, however he is aware of the psychotic nature of the task at hand.

I'll keep you posted...

It's that time of year again!

2008-02-13T20:20:00.003-05:00

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Tomorrow is VD, which means, (if you're a guy), you'd best be finding an appropriate way to fawn over your beloved. Because if you don't, you won't have much of a chance of celebrating this Very Important Holiday on March 14th.

Oh yeah, don't click the link if you're at work.

Pictures from the WSU fire

2008-02-10T17:47:00.000-05:00

Check out the on-the-scene pictures Mike took during Wednesday's tragic fire.

The great sage of Woodward Avenue...

2008-02-02T20:58:00.000-05:00

I find great comfort in this sign on Woodward Avenue for some reason...

The Great Pumpkin lives!!!

2008-02-02T20:56:00.001-05:00

Although I suppose it depends on what your definition of "lives" is...

Oh, and if you're wondering, that's not my footprint next to the pumpkin. I'm way too lazy to shovel my sidewalk, so the mailman figures cutting across the lawn makes his path shorter and just as snowy as the sidewalk would be.

Mack daddy

2008-01-27T19:31:00.001-05:00

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Well, tomorrow begins the official gridlock hell, aka, the I-75 Bridge Reconstruction Project. Oh boy, I can already feel the joy.

As it turns out, it's gonna be a nightmare since they'll be closing two lanes on the expressway near Mack, oh, plus they're gonna totally demolish the Mack bridge next weekend. Well, hell, I suppose it needs a facelift, and the current potholes are crater-tastic.

Still, I feel a bit misty. No more Mack Daddy maneuvers until November. For the uninformed, I have a little freeway maneuver I lovingly call the "Mack Daddy." No, I won't explain it, but be rest assured, it involves crossing 5 lanes of traffic in a bid to bypass traffic and wind up on the Mack ramp. Yeah, you really don't want to know the ugly details.

Anyway, today I took a few shots of the oh-so-scenic Mack Avenue after I left work. Enjoy.

Blog-o-versary

2008-01-17T19:46:00.000-05:00

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Well, yesterday was the anniversary of this here blog. It was January 16th, 2006 when I entered my very first post. Of course, I didn't realize I missed my anniversary until today. It's kind of fitting though, because during the past few months the posts have been few and far between. I apologize, but it's somewhat beyond my control.

Oh, and a heads up too--sometimes I have to lock my blog down and make it password protected. Usually this only has to happen every now and then, and I always re-open it back up. I don't really feel like explaining why it has to happen--just don't be offended if you can't view the blog when you click over. Just deal with the withdrawal, and check back in another day or so.

In other news--a big HIGH FIVE goes out to Michael for identifying me in a picture in last week's Metro Times. Yep, that was me, and no, I didn't look away from the camera on purpose. It truly was an action shot. You can scroll through the article's photo gallery here (I can't link directly to the picture in question) to have a good laugh.

Mystery box

2008-01-13T18:46:00.001-05:00

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There is a huge mystery box in the hallway at work. It is ensnarled in police "caution" tape, which is piquing the interest of my colleages. Oh, and of course, it's piquing my interest too, thus this blog post. Look at how seriously LONG the package is. It must have taken at least 4 UPS guys to haul that thing inside...

Inquiring minds, indeed!

Greetings from the basement of an undisclosed location...

2008-01-13T18:43:00.000-05:00

Yep, just another cockroach...

Pumpkin saga--the end is near...

2008-01-13T18:35:00.001-05:00

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Last I blogged, the orb was still frozen. It wasn't long before it was blanketed in snow.

Ah...but the temps soon increased, and the Great Melt '08 kicked in...but nastiness was just around the corner!

Unfortunately, time was not a friend...

Yikes. It's not even orange anymore! Notice the ooze coming from the right side...

The top was chunked out by a ravenous squirrel.

It can't survive much longer, however temps are expected to drop this week!

Why surgeons rock...

2008-01-05T20:53:00.000-05:00

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Quote from one of the surgery residents:

"We (surgeons) aren't always right, but we're always confident!"

Grenades...

2008-01-05T20:52:00.000-05:00

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Leave them at home. The staff in the ED won't be impressed.

An angrier version of myself

2008-01-03T19:56:00.000-05:00

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On second thought, I think I will make a New Year's resolution.

I resolve to be bitchier. No, really, it can happen. See, I think the key is to direct the bitchiness better this year. Oftentimes I just don't bother telling off people that need to be told off. And I think that should change. Don't you?

Unfortunately, it just isn't always practical. For instance, today someone kept pummeling me with an incredibly rude line of questioning. This person deserved a smackdown of the greatest proportion, however due to this person's stature (and my possible aspirations) it was not prudent to lay into them at this time. But in my mind I punched them out and there was lots of blood and everything.

But yes, I do like the idea of my "resolution" when it won't put me at great bodily (and financial) danger.

The Lava Lamp

2007-12-31T22:42:00.001-05:00

Tabloid fun...but the link is NSFW

2007-12-31T22:22:00.003-05:00

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Be careful if you're at work, because the link is probably NSFW!

This is seriously the most hysterical tabloid story I've read in a long time. It involves Craig Reid, who is one half of the Scottish duo, the Proclaimers. If you haven't heard of the band, well, you've probably at least heard their big hit, "I'm Gonna Be 500 Miles."

Anyway, the article is a must read, although I must caution you...when you click over, there's a picture of Reid lying on his stomach, buck naked. Yeah, you get the joy of seeing his bare ass and everything. Still, it's worth a click over to read the salacious details of an alleged sexual encounter some dumb groupie claims to have had with Reid.

The pumpkin chronicles...

2007-12-29T20:46:00.003-05:00

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Ah yes, last we left the pumpkin saga, my big orange orb looked like this...

That was then. This is now...

Yep, it's dying a slow, miserable death. I think the fact it froze a few weeks back didn't help, because when the temps got warm again, the thing essentially started to melt. But hey, it's technically still alive, and it definitely is a nice contrast to the other holiday decorations in the neighborhood.

Liquor shopping...

2007-12-29T20:38:00.000-05:00

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I'm sure the security peeps at Meijer were having fun watching me on the surveillance cameras while I was taking pictures of the liquor. But seriously, there's some cool shit in the liquor aisles that I didn't even know existed! For instance...

Check that out! Wow, it's some kind of wine that has the class to spell my name correctly! Score!

And come on, any vodka that's called "Effen" vodka totally gets my vote. No effin' way!

Yes, but the "X-rated" vodka has to be the winner for sure. You slip on some cheeky underwear, suck down some X-rated vodka, then proceed to get down and dirrty! Who's coming over to my place for New Year's????

Tis the season!

2007-12-29T20:26:00.000-05:00

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Geez, Santa barely flew back to his igloo and now we've got that other asshole around. You know who I'm talking about...

Seriously, WTF? It's not even January yet, and Cupid's around? For fuck's sake, give it a rest. I was sure to glare at the women at Meijer that were taking down the xmas shit and putting up the ridiculous Valentine's Day shit...

Valentine's Day only serves one purpose: it reminds all the single people (particularly women) that they are undesirable wretches that can't catch a break and cannot possibly be worthwhile. I mean, if you aren't going to get a ratty red rose or a heart-shaped box of chocolates from some asshole that's cheating on you anyway, you most certainly don't matter to society.

Bah humbug.

Pub crawl...

2007-12-23T02:12:00.001-05:00

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A good time was had by all. Look how festive I was...

Pub crawl!

2007-12-22T18:33:00.000-05:00

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Yeah, so I'm off to the pub crawl. I've never been to one of these things, so I guess I'll be indoctrinated tonight.

I'd invite you, but odds are the only person that would read this in time to show up would be the one scary guy that's been telling my friend that we've (meaning me and the psycho) been dating. Seriously.

More wintery action

2007-12-16T21:19:00.000-05:00

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More evidence of the frozen tundra...

Can you believe the Canadian government made the station take the windows out of our bus stop/smoke shack? Now some of the smokers at work sneak ciggies in the bathroom stalls. What a pleasant surprise that always is when you walk into a cloud of smoke in the loo.

This is the aftermath of my journey. I'm not sure why I felt I needed two coats, extra pants, shirts and hoodies, but you've known all along that I'm not really all that well mentally.

The effing Christmas cheer has now thrown up all over the studio. First it was a tree...now it's lights all aglow. At least they aren't the blinking type.

Snow extravaganza

2007-12-16T21:15:00.000-05:00

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Let me tell you how enjoyable it was to get up at 5am, shovel the driveway, then drive about 20 mph to get to work. Yep, it only took about one hour and forty five minutes. But it's cool.

I ended up wearing my ridiculously hideous boots today. No seriously, I wore my horrifying boots that I think my mom bought me in the late 80's. See how vile they are?

Can you believe I wore these?

Hmmm...

2007-12-13T14:34:00.000-05:00

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Note to self: do not marry a biochemist...

Wife Convicted in Husband's Acid Murder

A biochemist who killed her husband by knocking him out and pouring hydrochloric acid on him was convicted Wednesday of first-degree murder.

Read the rest of the story here.

I smell love...

2007-12-11T20:30:00.000-05:00

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Wow, maybe there's new hope for the lovelorn...

Body Odor Called Key Romantic Attraction

If body odor is a key to romantic attraction, a Florida company claims to have the first scientific way of finding true love.

A new dating service that says it's the first to use DNA matching to find that "perfect someone" is scheduled to launch in Boston Tuesday.

ScientificMatch.com promises its technology will use DNA to find a date with "a natural odor you'll love, with whom you'd have healthier children and a more satisfying sex life."

Read the rest of the article here.

It's getting better maaaaaaan!

2007-12-09T16:04:00.000-05:00

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My life is a mess.

My VW has been holed up in my garage for the past few months. Yeah, it's dead (the battery) and it's got other drama too. Trust me, you don't want to know.

My dad, being the nice guy that he is, lent me his car because I've been too busy to deal with Cargate while on rotations. Since I'm off rotations this month I decided to take the car in to VW this week. Of course, if that was the ending to the story, there truly would be no reason to blog about it. But yeah, I'm blogging about it, so you know there's drama...

Today I was on my way to the bridge after work. I got a few blocks from the station when I realized the "check engine" light came on in the car (it was my dad's car, since my piece of shit VW has been sitting dormant in my garage since the early fall).

Of course I was pissed, and pretty freaked out about the whole thing, because now I've obviously ruined two cars this year. Ok, maybe it wasn't ruined, but somehow I wasn't sure whether the thing was safe to drive down the street, much less over the border.

I neared the border and it was a hot mess. Cars everywhere. Trucks everywhere. And of course, the obligatory heathens that try cutting into the line were everywhere too.

To get on the bridge or not was the real question. Would the engine sustain the traffic? I figured what the hell, may as well chance it and hope the car didn't die on the bridge.

So for the entire hour and fifteen minutes on the bridge I was in panic mode. See, I've seen this happen to people in the tunnel many times. It's usually some drug-addled gambler that's driving a condemed, duct-taped car over the border, and it's no surprise when the thing craps out midway through the tunnel. Then traffic stops, the Border Tow Truck comes zooming by and the rest of the people in traffic flip the bird at the dumbfuck that was ignorant enough to take their piece of shit car over the border in the first place.

Yep, and I was about to be that dumbfuck at the bridge.

I sort of panicked because I don't take the bridge that often and had no idea if they even had a Border Tow Truck. I mean, what if they didn't? What if the dude behind me in his Audi had to push me all the way back to the U.S.? He didn't look all that nice, so it worried me for more than one reason.

Seconds felt like hours, but finally I got to the other side and through Customs. I was even able to manage getting all the way home without issue.

I had to make the sad call to my dad to explain to him that, yes, Cristina actually did fuck up another car. What can I say, the Car Gods obviously aren't enamoured with me. But it's cool.

I ended up making some calls to arrange to take my dad's car into the shop tomorrow. And after I made those arrangements I had to call AAA to get my effing VW charged. That was a project in and of itself, because the tow guys (yep, I've had this done numerous times) never can find the battery once they pop the hood.

All's well that ends well though, because the AAA guy jumped my car and now it's revving in my garage. It still sounds like shit due to the car's previous summer drama, but at least I'll be able to take it into the shop tomorrow AFTER I take my dad's car in.

Wow, my vacation is quite a bit of laughs. Still, it's better than hearing some ding dong tell me their dog must have eaten their Xanax bottle and they need an early refill...

Bridge over troubled water...

2007-12-08T21:11:00.001-05:00

The joys of sitting in border traffic...

Red balls...

2007-12-08T21:09:00.001-05:00

Actually, it's the official 89X Christmas tree.

Picture time!

2007-12-07T16:22:00.000-05:00

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Yeah, so I got my new camera phone today! I'm hoping the pictures will add to the aesthetics of my blog. Here's the first picture I took:

Actually, it wasn't truly my first picture. My first true shot was of my mom, but I promised I wouldn't shame the family by posting their pictures online. Anyway, it's a picture of my pumpkin that I blogged about last week. Notice the rotting part on the side. I think the damn thing is frozen now, so it may not fully rot for awhile.

Oh, and thanks to Mike for suggesting the Samsung. It's pretty sweet.

Cheeky!

2007-12-06T01:54:00.000-05:00

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I haven't really blogged in awhile, so I know that you've missed out on some vital experiences in my life. Ah, how deprived you've been! But not any more...

As it turns out, Saturday I got some new underwear. I know how you like being in the loop, so I'll share my experience here so your life can be that much more fulfilling...

Saturday I decided to go where all trashy women go for underwear...no, not Victoria's Secret...I went to...Wal-Mart! Yeah, what can I say? You can take the girl out of the trash, but you can't take the trash out of the girl. Or something.

Regardless, I found myself in Wal-Mart. I strolled down the aisle and...wait, it was Wal-Mart, so let me rephrase: I attempted to stroll down the aisle, but people were everywhere. I don't know what the draw is with Wal-Mart--other than their obviously quality underwear--but I digress.

First I found some bras. You'd be impressed...I even found a red push up bra with pink lace. Now that's klassy. Yes, I did too buy it!!! Come on, you know I'm nothing if not klassy.

But on to the good part...the whole point of my post is this little nugget: as I was walking around looking for underwear, I found the best shit in the world...the "Multi-Pack Cheeky" underwear!

I shit you not:
Yep, panties that had the word "cheeky" in them. You just know I couldn't say no. I couldn't. Besides, the label said "satisfaction guaranteed." So I bought them, just on the name alone.

Today I tried on my cheeky underwear and they didn't disappoint. The name says it all...they are cheeky. They are sort of boy-cut underwear, but they're cut so your ass hangs out. Well, yeah, I know my butt is enormous, so it's not like it's the first time my ass has spilled out. But see, with these "cheeky" numbers, I'm pretty sure the plan is to have one's booty spilling out in a sexxxay way no matter what the size of your butt is. And you know, I'm nothing if not sexxxay.

I know this post is "worthless without pics" but I won't have my nifty new camera phone until next week. So trust me, the underwear is truly cheeky. Rawwwrrr!

We want beer...

2007-12-05T20:00:00.000-05:00

Woot, woot, woot! Prohibition ended on this day in 1933...

Getting liquored up

2007-11-27T20:14:00.001-05:00

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A recent news story compiled some great drinking quotes. Here are my top three from the article:

Second runner up:

"I drink to make other people interesting"

~George Jean Nathan

First runner up:

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

~Frank Sinatra

And the gold goes to...

"The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid."

~Richard Braunstein

Woe is me...

2007-11-23T18:38:00.001-05:00

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It ended up being a sad day today. I had to dispose of my pumpkin.

No, you don't understand. I'm legendary for keeping a pumpkin in my house until February. But not this year. I noticed a round circle of rot on the damn thing today so I had to put the orange orb outside.

I'm in mourning. Send gifts...

Black Friday, black eye???

2007-11-23T05:37:00.000-05:00

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Well, the ridiculous "biggest shopping day of the year" is upon us. Yeah, don't get me started...

It gets worse every year. As I crossed into work this morning (at 3am, mind you) the Windsor/Detroit tunnel was already backed up all the way for people heading into Detroit. Read that again! At three oh-fucking-clock in the morning people were lined up for at least an hour wait at the tunnel. What is wrong with people?

But hey, an hour wait in border traffic is the least of it. Loads of people were camped out YESTERDAY at stores that didn't fling open their doors until today. Yes, some of these fools were camped out for 36 hours. Don't people have better shit to do? Apparently not.

But the best part is that right now it's only 5am and a shopping brawl has already broken out! Sweet! I figured something sweet and bloody would go down eventually at some point today, but heck, the action started early! Punches have already flown at a Best Buy location in Dearborn. Apparently this ugly punchout required the assistance of 8 Dearborn cops.

It's gonna be an awesome day...

Bogged down on Thanksgiving...

2007-11-22T19:56:00.000-05:00

Today's lesson: cranberries grow in a bog. Purty, huh?

Happy Thanksgiving...I'm thankful that you read my inane ramblings on the blog. I mean it. Thanks...even to the haters!

Doomed!

2007-11-17T20:53:00.000-05:00

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Adenovirus-14 is coming to kill us all...

EVERYBODY PANIC!!!!!

Ode to H-Bomb...

2007-11-13T19:22:00.000-05:00

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Yet another tribute to my favorite drunk, H-Bomb.

From Northwest Florida Daily News:

A man was arrested for shoplifting two bottles of White Rain Hair Spray, which he drank in the Wal-Mart on Beal Parkway, according to an Okaloosa County Sheriff’s Office report.

The store’s loss prevention officer, Christopher White, told a deputy that he had been watching the man for a few weeks to try and catch him drinking hairspray. It had been reported to White that whenever the man came into the store, employees would find empty bottles of hairspray on the shelves.

On Friday, White watched the man remove a bottle of hair spray and take it to the garden center. He then watched while the man opened it, drank the contents and returned it to the shelf.

The shoplifter repeated the process, drinking the second bottle in the toy department, the report noted.

When White confronted him, he noted the man appeared to be under the influence of alcohol. The man admitted drinking two bottles of spray.

He also told White that he is “a hard-core alcoholic,” who drinks the spray for the alcohol in it.

Please click here to read the entire story.

Why I love the internets...

2007-11-12T20:23:00.000-05:00

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Blogs. That's why I love the internets! Anyone can start up their own blog to sound off.

And, who better to sound off than librarians? You absolutely have to hand it to the person that decided to name this blog. Enjoy!

Consumer alert!

2007-11-12T19:45:00.000-05:00

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File under "tastes like ass"

I bought some gum yesterday...I normally buy Orbit "spearmint" flavored gum, however the store I went to was out of it, so I opted for Orbit's "raspberry mint" flavor. OMG, it tasted like Nyquil, but at least Nyquil offers up some alcohol to loop you up.

Awful, awful, awful. If you like the taste of ass, why not just save your money and opt to gnaw on a turd? Steer clear of the raspberry mint...

This will put you in a cheery mood...

2007-11-11T15:49:00.000-05:00

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It's a slideshow of "notable bizarre deaths." Enjoy.

So many annoyances, so little time...

2007-11-04T16:37:00.000-05:00

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This is going to be a bitchy post, FYI...

I feel the need to rant because it seems as if I'm in a constant state of annoyance lately. Perhaps it's my retail rotation, perhaps not. At any rate, this is what's pissing me off these days:

1. Gas station advertising. Is nothing sacred anymore? Can't I pump my crappy gas in peace? Oh, well, not at a certain Speedway station, because they've found a new way to brainwash customers--they have televisions mounted atop the gas pumps. No, seriously. Yesterday I innocently decided to get gas at Speedway, but when I got out of my car to fuel up, I was hit by a barrage of LOUD advertising. First, I had to sit through the ESPN scoreboard, then I had to endure "tips" for a better gas-friendly environment. WTF? I'm spending a fortune for my gas, can I at least pump it in peace, for fuck's sake?

2. Bullshit X-mas music on the radio and in stores. Seriously, it's the beginning of November. I don't need to hear sappy ol' Karen Carpenter croon through "Merry Christmas, Darling." Geez, it's bad enough to hear that tripe in late December. Why the fuck am I hearing it before Thanksgiving? Hey retailers...it makes me just leave the store in a huff...empty handed. Greedy bastards.

3. The person at work that decided we all needed to put digitized black & white pictures of ourselves on the website. This idea is so stupid, it's not even worth commenting about. You'll see...just wait a couple of days.

That's enough for now...I guess I've been out of practice. It's good to be back!

Oh, but there is one other announcement...we have chatting capability at work now. We hooked up with detroitcity.com and we have profiles and other stuff listed. It's kind of like myspace except it's for the Detroit area, oh, and also there are no pervs trolling around. Well, except for me. Check it out here.

Theft at CVS

2007-10-27T17:33:00.000-04:00

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Dumbasses. The good stuff is inside the pharmacy. 800 dollars worth of Crest Strips? You gotta be kidding me. Hell, a bottle of Oxy, Vicodin, or even Viagra would take up less space and give you more bang for your buck (no pun intended!)

Manly meat

2007-10-27T17:15:00.000-04:00

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Just because I'm a vegetarian doesn't mean I don't look out for my meat-eating peeps.

Here's an article I found titled, "the Manly Way to Cook Meat." Enjoy.

The Phantom Pooper

2007-10-21T19:21:00.000-04:00

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This would have been a perfect post for my now-defunct poo blog. Still, I couldn't resist posting it for you here...

It's been quite awhile

2007-10-21T19:10:00.000-04:00

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No, I won't apologize for not posting. I guess I've been busy, but whatever.

Hey, so anyway, yesterday I was stuck in the most awful gridlock. I-75 was down to ONE lane around 8 Mile, so it was incredibly backed up. And check this out...apparently construction workers like to play jokes on one another...

The only lane that was open was the right-most lane...directly next to the shoulder of the road. On the shoulder was this construction guy who was driving some kind of construction vehicle. It kind of looked like a gigantic riding mower, but I'm sure it was more constructiony than just a mower.

Anyway, the point is, one of the guy's coworkers apparently had stuck a gigantic piece of paper to the back of the machinery that said, "I like to get it up the butt." No, I kid you not, it really did say that. I did a double-take myself, and the sign indeed did say that. I would have taken a picture of it, but you know the deal with me...no digital camera. Sorry.

Tips ahoy!

2007-10-13T19:28:00.000-04:00

As you know, I've been looking for a pair of stripper shoes. No, I'm serious! I think I hit the motherlode with this pair. Check it out, you can actually stuff money in the shoe, and the word "tips" glows in the dark.

Poo-gate: the reprisal...

2007-10-12T17:24:00.001-04:00

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It has come to my attention that my lovable coworkers on the morning show spoke of the employee "poo incident" this week. Since people are agog with questions and outrage, let me clear up a few things:

1. This episode, while spoken about this week, actually happened back in June. Apparently the boss told the morning show to keep mum about it. I was unaware of the silence order, so I went ahead and blogged about it after it happened.

2. The culprit is still unknown, however we do have some suspects. FYI none of the suspects are djs/airstaff, so don't anyone go pointing fingers at me.

3. If you want to check the archive for the blog entry, look at the posting for June 24, 2007.

Shit (no pun intended!), why not copy/paste it for you here, since you're probably too lazy to look:

Yeah, I know, I know, the updates have been few and far between. It's been somewhat of a challenge to update two blogs while I've been busy at the prison. Sue me.

At any rate, when I was at work yesterday I got a phone call from one of my coworkers. He called specifically to tell me something:

Me: Hello?

Him: Heyyyyyyyyyyyyy, what's up?

Me: Not much.

Him: Have you heard about the shitting incident yet?

Me: What?

Him: The shitting incident! Have you heard?

Me: No!

Yes, apparently there was a situation at work that took place last week which began with a trail of turd leading down the staircase, down the hall, and ending in the women's bathroom. Sources confirm the foulest of foul odors was percolating inside the bathroom.

It pains me to reveal that Exhibit A was left inside the GARBAGE CAN. Yes, some braintrust left a whole craptastic load of loose stool in the wastebasket instead of flushing it down the loo. Unfuckingbelievable.

Of course, no one could imagine that an employee did this, so one of the engineers furiously examined the security camera tapes for evidence of the poop, er, perp. See, the station is located next to a seedy building full of seedy people, and believe me, we've had crazy situations in the past, so it wasn't a stretch to believe it was Someone From The Outside.

But no. There was no evidence of a deranged individual with loose bowels on the cams.

Which begs the question...which employee soiled themselves, the carpet, and the throne?

I don't know. Someone contact CSI.

You really do learn something new every day...

2007-10-10T20:34:00.000-04:00

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From the skin & soft tissue guidelines:

Human bite wounds often result from aggressive behavior and are frequently more serious than animal bites. Wounds may be either occlusive injuries, in which the teeth actually bite the body part, or clenched-fist injuries, which occur when the fist of one person strikes the teeth of another. Between 10% and 20% of occlusive wounds occur during sexual interactions.

Like a bad rash...

2007-10-10T20:29:00.001-04:00

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Guess who got a call from the PSG today?

Bad ass birthday

2007-10-09T17:53:00.000-04:00

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Happy Birthday to 89X's finest man.

Yeah, your ISP filter is going to go nuts with this post

2007-10-06T18:33:00.000-04:00

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I've found the best scientific journal ever. It's called Archives of Sexual Behavior. If you're a WSU student, you can access it for free. Go check it out, it's priceless.

Here, for example, is a study that was recently published:

Sexual Pleasure & Condom Use:

Randolph ME, et al

The purpose of the present study was to determine whether sexually-experienced individuals’ pleasure ratings for protected and unprotected vaginal intercourse would be related to actual condom use.

Results: The results provide evidence that many people believe that condoms reduce sexual pleasure and that men, in particular, who believe that condoms decrease pleasure are less likely to use them.

Wow, you don't say?????

Here are the titles of some of the other papers that were recently published:

"If Sex Hurts, Am I Still a Woman?" The Subjective Experience of Vulvodynia in Hetero-Sexual Women

Differences in Gait Across the Menstrual Cycle & Their Attractiveness to Men

Disgust & Contamination Sensitivity in Vaginismus & Dyspareunia

A Penis Shortening Device Described By the 13th Century Poet Rumi

Negotiating a Friends with Benefits Relationship

Masturbation in Urban China

Interpreting the song

2007-10-02T20:48:00.000-04:00

Yeah, for some reason, this is still pretty much my favorite song. I love the music, but I think what really draws me in is the lyrics. The song seems to be about a love triangle--the protagonist digs a girl who loves another guy. And the protagonist's only saving grace is his rival's taste in music sucks. Maybe, in his mind, he truly has a chance with the girl, because eventually she'll tire of the guy with the bad taste in music. He hopes so, at least. Maybe that's what gets him out of bed every day...the thought, the hope, the possibility that one day, he will truly be The Man.

Mmmm...kool aid!

2007-10-02T16:43:00.000-04:00

Yes, I have absolutely been bad. I've neglected posting for an entire week! Sorry, but I've been deathly ill, plus I've been working some wacky shifts.

But anyway, check this shit out:

Purple urine! Isn't it a scream??? I actually lifted the picture from the New England Journal of Medicine website. Apparently the proud owner of this urine had some crazy reaction going on to produce this nifty hue.

According to NEJM, "Purple discoloration can occur in alkaline urine as a result of the degradation of indoxyl sulfate (indican), a metabolite of dietary tryptophan, into indigo (which is blue) and indirubin (which is red) by bacteria such as Providencia stuartii, Klebsiella pneumoniae, P. aeruginosa, Escherichia coli, and enterococcus species."

Now that's some party-punch urine! I wonder what it tastes like...

Free advice...

2007-09-25T19:19:00.000-04:00

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Save yourself a lot of time and embarrassment: if you're gonna whack off while driving, try to keep at least one hand on the wheel...

You SO know there's a really good story that goes along with this, however...

Zinzinnati

2007-09-23T20:44:00.001-04:00

Who said people in Cincinnati don't have a sense of humor?

Check out the city's annual fall festival, Oktoberfest.

The best part of the festival is the weiner dog festival. The li'l rugrats don cute "hot dog bun" outfits and participate in the "running of the weiner" contest.

Fucking spectacular! Note the ketchup and mustard atop the weiner dogs...

You MUST be joking!!!

2007-09-23T18:33:00.001-04:00

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Who knew that supplements could be--gasp--dangerous???? I mean, they're all natural and sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much safer than all those evil rx drugs.

FDA Issues Parasite Warning on Herbal Colic, Teething Remedy

Federal health authorities warned parents Thursday not to give babies a liquid herbal supplement marketed as a remedy for colic and teething pain because several bottles tested positive for a parasite that may have a sickened a 6-week-old infant in Minnesota.

Lab tests conducted by the Food and Drug Administration confirmed the presence of Cryptosporidium, a parasite that can cause diarrhea and intestinal infections, in unopened bottles of apple-flavored Baby's Bliss Gripe Water, according to the FDA. The supplement's distributor, MOM Enterprises of San Rafael, Calif., said it had recalled about 17,600 bottles of the product that were being sold through the Internet and at retail stores nationwide.

Read the rest of the story here

These boots were made for...

2007-09-21T21:02:00.001-04:00

Yeah, so I'm ordering some more footwear from the internet. Very Shirley Manson, don't you think? I think they'll be a big hit at the hospital...

Boobage

2007-09-21T20:55:00.000-04:00

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I saw a guy at the hospital today with the biggest rack ever. No, I'm serious. All of the ladies in the room (including myself, I might add) were jealous. Definitely a stripper-sized (supa-size!) rack.

Oh, and no, he wasn't on spironolactone either.

Surreal life...

2007-09-16T19:00:00.000-04:00

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So it turns out O.J. has been arrested for armed robbery. It's been "breaking news" for the past 4 hours. The cable news networks have been a-twitter with the "Juice" story all afternoon. And, of course, the news reporters are referring to him as the Juice.

Speaking of juice, it's kind of funny and sad how the cable news networks are creaming themselves over this story. Is nothing else happening in the world right now? No, this is it apparently.

I'm actually really shocked no one on the news has quipped, "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas." Maybe that gem will be uttered later, however I'm done with the coverage.

EDITED TO ADD: Ok, I lied. I left the tv on, and it's been only 5 minutes since I posted the above. One of the broads on Fox just said, "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas." For fuck's sake what is wrong with these people? I mean, I know OJ is paying karmic debt, but is it too much to ask for newscasters to be, uh, professional? Of course. It's way too much to ask. What the fuck was I thinking????

Because one sausage just ain't enough...

2007-09-14T18:38:00.000-04:00

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Only one sausage per prisoner?????

Inmates go on sausage "temper tantrum"

Some Lea County inmates set fires and broke toilets and windows after being told they would be allowed only one sausage at dinner. Jail officials said the inmates began yelling and banging on their doors in what they described in a news release as a "temper tantrum."

Officers from the Lea County Sheriff's and Hobbs Police departments were called in to restore control, and the jail was locked down after Tuesday night's incident.

Some 33 prisoners were involved, Warden Jann Gartman said.

The remaining 300-plus prisoners at the jail accepted the meal without incident, authorities said.

The damage to the jail was light, with some smoke damage and broken toilets and windows, the warden said.

Cosmo

2007-09-13T22:02:00.000-04:00

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*full disclosure. I'm really sleep deprived, so please pardon this post:

Cosmo magazine never fails to disappoint.

Today I was at the 7-11 in Windsor waiting in line to purchase my frosty, and oh-so-tasty Super Big Gulp. You know how it is when you're waiting in line...your eyes glance to the rack of magazines. You can't help but read the newspaper headlines, and you always get lured into the trashy magazine. Well, maybe it's just me. Regardless, there I was in the 7-11 looking over at the latest issue of Cosmopolitan magazine. Ah...what fun! It brought back good memories...

A couple of years ago, my friend Wendy & I used to have a tawdry chick ritual--every month we'd each buy the latest issue of Cosmo and go have drinks while perusing the issue. It was always a hysterical night out. We'd usually end up luring a male waiter into our lurid Cosmo--oriented discussions. Sadly, we stopped having our Cosmo nights a few years ago. I guess our schedules got too crowded for the insanity.

I should pause here to explain something to the guys: If you're a guy, you probably have no idea what Cosmo is all about. It's a dumb girly-chick mag...chock full of fashion don'ts and insanely stupid tips on how to get laid, get a job, lose weight, achieve the Best Sex Ever, how to tell if your man is cheating, etc. Totally campy shit, but it was always guaranteed to make me howl with laughter. I'm sure that's NOT the reaction that the editors of the magazine are going for, but I can confidently say I'm not the typical Cosmo girl anyway.

Anyway, to get to the original point of this post, I was in 7-11 checking out the current issue. On the cover they had a couple of hilarious headlines: "How to tell if your man is gay" and another priceless headline that was gut splitting. I mean, I laughed out loud at the insanity of it. It had something to do with how to position your body while naked in order to look good while having sex. As I drove away from the store, I was still laughing as I tried to remember the exact wording of the classic headline (so I could blog about it for you) but I forgot.

I just now tried to find the official Cosmo website to look at the cover of the current issue in order to remember the really funny headline. I found the website, but the cover of the mag is nowhere to be found. But I did find something almost as good on the site--a handy feature titled, "the sexual position of the week."

Seriously, does it get no campier than that? The sexual position of the week!?! Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiice! Click here if you want to check out this week's tip. Oh, and don't click if you don't have a trashy and somewhat perverted sense of humor. Oh wait, I'm assuming that if you're reading this blog, you obviously are wickedly trashy. Either that, or you enjoy constantly shaking your head in disgust.

Noose tricks

2007-09-13T15:58:00.000-04:00

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Today I got to attend an emergency medicine meeting at the hospital. We learned about spinal cord injuries. Interesting stuff. The best part was learning about the proper way to use a noose. Oh, don't be silly, no one is going to triage you with a noose, but it somehow came up in the discussion. We were told that back in the day of public hangings it was very important to put the noose on appropriately. If applied correctly (knot in the correct place), one would reach the desired effect almost instantaneously. Positioned the wrong way, the individual would be unnecessarily tortured until the very end.

The more you know, and all that...

Sex day!

2007-09-12T20:55:00.000-04:00

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Well, if you haven't heard, today is Sex Day in Russia. Yep, the governor of a province in Russia urged citizens to stay home from work today and just get busy! No, you didn't read that wrong--folks are supposed to stay home and have sloppy sex! The problem is, the governor has more than your jollies in mind. The reason for the province-wide coitus marathon: impregnate the ladies in order to increase Russia's population. And I shit you not, there's even a contest involved to get you all wound up and ready to go...

According to the article: If a woman gives birth in exactly nine months time -- on Russia's national day on June 12 -- she will qualify for a prize, perhaps even winning a new home.

"It's normally something for the home -- a fridge or a television set," Yelena Yakovleva at the Ulyanovsk regional administration press office, said.

Let me get this straight...I'm supposed to be motivated to pop out some fruit from my loin in order to win an effing television set? I would hope the tv would at least be a plasma version, because there's no way I'm going through labor for a 12 inch black & white number...

This is such a bad episode of Jerry Springer...